falling into a bottomless pit
by Len Bon
Summary: Spencer knew it was the right thing to do but that didn't stop it hurting and aching and feeling oh-so-wrong because she misses him.


Her eyes _hurt_. They hurt almost as much as her _heart_ – but not quite because she doesn't even think that is _God damn __possible._ When did this start happening?

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><p>Spencer feels like her world is <em>shattering<em> and _falling_ and _breaking_ and she's _falling_ and then she's _dead_. Except she wakes up. Her heart is beating _fast_; which is strange considering it is in two. It _hurts_ more when her eyes are open and she's conscious. Or at least she thinks it does, but who can be sure considering she isn't even sure what is _real_ any more.

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><p>She sees him. He doesn't <em>know<em> she sees him. She's _hidden_ and he's _safe_ and everything is _okay_. Except everything is not okay because she doesn't have him. She doesn't have him and she _needs_ him because _everything_ _hurts_ without him. He looks like he is hurting too. That causes the ache in her heart and the cracks to _intensify_ harder – she has caused him _pain_.

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><p>Maybe she could go and see him? But A will know; A <em>always<em> knows. What would happen to him if A finds out? Should she risk it? Just for a moment? Just for a kiss or hug or _something_? No. Its _selfish_ and_ mean_ and will cause the hurt in her chest to increase when she had to leave again.

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><p>Will he ever<em> forgive her<em>? She doesn't think he will or can or even that he should. She has _destroyed_ him and reduced him to _nothing_. Does he know she was trying to _save_ him? Can he tell that it is for his _own_ good? If she didn't break him A would, and he'd _suffer_ twice as much. Surely its better that she was the one that _broke_ his heart, and that she did it directly. Yes, it was for the _best_.

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><p>She couldn't <em>help<em> it. She _had_ to see him. She is _weak_. But it was _worth_ it.

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><p>She knew this would happen. After they had <em>kissed<em> in his car, she knew he'd try again. She also knew that she'd hurt twice as much. Why had she been so stupid, selfish? Yes, she is a _Hastings_ but she's also _Spencer_ – and what is Spencer without Toby? _Nothing_.

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><p>It <em>hurts<em>. Knowing that she caused all of this – well Emily did, but under her orders. God, she must be an ice queen or something. Except it hurts. It was the _only_ _way_. She keeps telling herself this. _Over_ and _over_ and _over_ and _over_ and _over_. . . until she starts to _believe_ it because right now, all she feels is _doubt_, despite her friends' protests.

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><p>She's <em>alone<em>. She's alone and she can't take it. Her head is trying to convince her it is okay, but her heart feels _shattered_ and _broken_ and _bruised_ and _cracked_. Is she going crazy? She sure feels crazy because all she can do is read that _stupid_ letter again and again and again. She _misses_ him, even though this is what she _wanted_; him to be gone. But she hurt him, and that makes it all ache a little bit more. Is she _callous_?

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><p>Somehow she'd doubted it would get better – and nobody could deny Spencer that she was <em>smart<em>. Her IQ and SAT scores were so high that she could be considered a _freaking_ _genius_. She begs to differ because if she were so_ damn intelligent_, why'd she do it? Though she knew that answer too. . . the odds were against her and this was how to keep Toby _safe_. It doesn't really _comfort_ her that much.

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><p>She needs to stop <em>thinking<em> about Toby. She has more important things to worry about a.k.a one of her best friends, Hanna. You'd think Toby would be _insignificant_ in comparison; after all "chicks over dicks". What a stupid expression? Made up by somebody who had never fallen _truly_, _honestly_, _deeply_ in _love_. She had and it hurt like hell. Of course she was worried about Hanna, but she won't hate her – not like Toby does. Hanna will _forgive_ her, because they are best friends and have gone through a lot with one another.

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><p>She doesn't even know where Toby is, let alone what he is up to. She is <em>worrying<em> about him and just hopes that he is okay. She gives her _heart_ and _soul_ to him, _praying_ to a God she doesn't really believe in to make sure he's safe. She wants him to live and be happy and get over this. Even if she _won't_; _can't_; _shan't_. As long as he can live, she won't mind dying. As long as he can be happy, she won't mind crying. As long as he can forget, she doesn't mind lying.

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><p>She <em>still<em> _cries_ at night – to put herself to sleep. It is like some crazy _lullaby_ to her now. Her eyes are _still_ hurting and red and are _still_ nothing compared to the _sorrow_ in her heart. She's surviving though because it was the right thing to do. A can't hurt him now and _that is all that matters_.

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><p><strong>I don't really know why I'm writing in this style - it works well for angst? Recently I've been reading loadsa angst and half of it is set out like this so... Review?<strong>

**Disclaimer: As much as I'd like to, I don't own Pretty Little Liars - and of course this is based off the TV series not the books because they are so different and Toby would be dead if it were the books.**


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